If you are a parent of a teenager, no doubt you have pondered this question. If you have stumbled across this article, it’s probably because you have googled this question. I am the mother of two teenage daughters. One is 16 and the other is 18, and despite the constant barrage of information on the internet that tells me that my children are at the age of dating, I have a strict no-dating policy in my home. As a matter of fact, I have specifically told my children that they are not allowed to officially date until they are either (1) living outside of my home, or (2) finished with college. So what would make a mother take such a drastic stand? Read on to learn more.
The Downsides to Teenage Dating
In my opinion, there are very few benefits to teenage dating, and a lot of downsides. It is well known in the scientific world that full brain development does not occur until we are near the age of 25. Specifically, the part of the brain that regulates impulse control and decision-making isn’t well developed during the teenage years. For me, this is a compelling reason to postpone dating until a time when my children are mentally and emotionally prepared to handle the intricate dynamics of dating. Waiting allows them the maturity to make more thoughtful choices and better protect their emotional well-being.
Permanent Decisions; Temporary Emotions
The teen years are full of changing emotions, hormones, and moods. If we look back honestly at our middle school and high school years, we could probably name more than a handful of teenage crushes. Unless you are one of those rare people who married your high school “sweetheart”, chances are you’ve probably met and dated far more compatible people in your adult life.
When you are a teen, you are still learning and discovering who you are as a person. Your interests are constantly changing and that includes your interest in the opposite sex. When teenagers date during this period, they are often forming attachments based on otherwise temporary emotions. For many, this results in unnecessary heartbreak and emotional distress.
Unwanted Pregnancy
If you allow your teens to date, you are inevitably awakening all of the little hormones that might otherwise remain dormant.
Consider this, once we hit puberty, most of us begin to experience heightened sexual desires. However, we don’t all walk around feeling the urge to jump into bed with everyone we are attracted to. This is because sexual desires are often aroused by mutual attraction. This mutual attraction is manifested through flirting, touching, and other forms of intimacy that then lead to feelings of arousal.
Once you open the door to dating, you are opening the door to intimacy which may inevitably lead to urges that young teens are often unable to manage. Once those desires have surfaced and they find themselves in compromising situations, STD protection and birth control are going to be the last thing on their mind.
A few moments of sexual release may result in 18+ years of attachment to a person they wouldn’t otherwise want anything to do with long-term.
Teen Dating Violence
In the CDC’s 2021 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, it was found that 1 in 12 teenagers experienced physical dating violence and about 1 in 10 teenagers experienced sexual dating violence within the 12 months before the survey.
As a parent of two teenage daughters, I have heard firsthand the stories of young girls experiencing abuse at the hands of their teenage boyfriends.
When considering whether to allow their children to date, many parents may think only of the positive effects of dating without considering the negative ones. Experiencing violence as a teenager can greatly affect your child’s mental and emotional health. This could potentially have long-term impacts on their well-being.
Consider The Purpose of Dating
The decision to allow your teenager to date will often depend on what you believe the purpose of dating is. In my opinion, the purpose of dating is to figure out who you want to develop a long-term relationship with. For this reason, my teenagers have no NEED to date. I do not want my children to have their dating pool limited to immature teens. I would prefer that they wait until they are old enough to understand real life, real problems, and real responsibility. Only then will they truly understand themselves enough to know what they need and want in another person.
An Alternative to Dating
Although I have strongly discouraged my children from dating, I do encourage them to build friendships with those of the opposite sex. I have explained to them that friendships are the best way to truly get to know a person. It removes the need for people to put up a facade and hide who they truly are. It also allows them to keep their options open and get to know people with varying qualities and personalities.
So, instead of dating, I have encouraged my children to explore potential partners through passive observation and friendships. This allows them to get to know various potential partners without creating an exclusive, attached relationship that they may have a hard time breaking out of.
Kids Will Do What They Want To Do
I hear this all the time, and I read it in comments on the internet: “Kids will do what they want.” This is true, but it is still my responsibility as a parent to set boundaries and rules. If my child decides to date without my permission, I can’t stop them any more than I can stop them from playing with fire or trying drugs or alcohol. However, I will always let my views be known and hope that they will do what is best for themselves.
Parenting is a hard job, and everyone has their opinion on the best way to go about it. I don’t always get everything right, but I stand firm in my decision to postpone dating for my children. I am not concerned about them being “inexperienced” when they get older. I think there is plenty of time for life to teach them all they need to know about love, relationships, and sex. I don’t see the need for them to learn those lessons at an age where they should be focused on their education.
The Bottom Line
Based on my personal experience and observations, I have decided that teens are NOT ready to date and that there is no particular age between 13-19 that is appropriate for dating. As a matter of fact, I am convinced that we are not truly ready for dating until our mid-twenties when our brains are fully developed. Which is the reason why I have encouraged my children to wait until then to seriously consider dating anyone.
Of course, every parent has to do what is best for their child. I am sure that this is an unpopular opinion, but this is what I feel is best for my children. I hope this article helps you decide what is best for you and yours.
